Food for Thought

Some friends of mine recommended this book to me a couple of months ago, and it has really re-shaped my view of what judgement is and how my judgements so badly warp the way I look at things.

The book is called How to Stop the Pain, and I have it listed on my sidebar as one of the books on my nightstand.  If you've taken a close look at my booklist you probably saw the stark contrast between "Busy Bees, " "Pajama Time," and then..."How to Stop the Pain."  What can I say?  We've got a wide variety of reading material around here.  Anyway, back to the book...I'm not finished with it yet, but thought I  would share a few lines that have really spoken to me so far.  The second chapter is called, "What is Judgement?"  This guy's definition is one I've never heard before.  

 He says,  Identifying what someone did is not judgement; that is merely observation.  It is when we asume to know why a person did what he did that we have entered into judgement.  

Only God has the right to judge.  He alone knows why people do what they do.  We do not know, nor is it our place to judge why.  In many cases, people do not even know why they do what they do...God is the only one who can truly know the heart.  When people assume to know why, then their reactions are not based on reality;  they are based on judgment.  That judgment causes confusion, pain, and loss.  

Here's another section in the chapter: The moment you attempt to determine why another is doing what he or she is doing, you have given it significance. Keep in mind that nothing has power to hurt you until you attach significance to it.  Another person's actions are only as significant to you as the judgements you pass on them.  The judgment you make is based on your decision about why that person did what he did.  The degree of pain or insult you experience from the actions of another is based solely on the judgment you pass. And the judgment you pass is your assumption of why he did what he did.  

Here's another dinger!  Simply giving up the right to judge would break the cycle of pain and torment while salvaging many valuable relationships.

Is there anyone else that resonates with this?  My family is probably saying, "Thank goodness she's reading this!"  Ha!  Just the simple definition of judgment being when we decide we know why another person has behaved a certain way has been transforming the way I look at all my relationships (my spouse, my child, family, and friends).  It's so easy to think we're "perceptive" or "wise" when in actuality we're making judgements about others and inflicting pain on ourselves.

I was trying to think of an example to share with you of something lately that's happened that's given me the opportunity to give up my right to judge.  Okay, I just thought of something.  We were recently asked by one friend, "Are you going to the party for ...?" (some other friends of ours)  I said, "No, we didn't know anything about it."  My first reaction (on the inside) was to let myself get really hurt and offended and go down the trail of wondering why they wouldn't let us know about it.   Then I made a conscious choice not to decide why we weren't included in the get together.  It's amazing how free I felt after that.  I truly never gave it another thought.  For all I know they tried to get in touch with us, but even then it's really not my place to decide.  I can think about these friends and not feel any offense.  I don't know what's in their hearts and it doesn't change my feelings towards them.  This is just one way I see this truth about judgement filtering through my life and relationships. Then of course of course this shines the light on the countless time I've judged Tyson and decided I knew "why" he did this or that.  Come to think of it I judge myself quite often too.    My prayer is that the truths I'm reading about in this book wouldn't merely be information on a page, but that it would become a reality in my life.   I would love to hear your thoughts too if you'd like to share.