We’ve been in Africa for exactly two months. It has been a time of settling, getting
adjusted, acclimated, and finding our way.
I’m not going to say unfortunately because I see now that it hasn’t been
unfortunate at all, but much of the past two months has been marked with
sickness for us (especially me). That’s
one of the reasons there has been a long silence here. Now I’m ready to share some of the things I’m
learning through my own suffering. I
hesitate to claim I’ve suffered because all I have to do is look around to
realize that what we’ve been through pales in comparison to so so so many
others. Nevertheless, it has been
suffering for me and God has used it greatly in my life.
We arrived here in Mozambique at the beginning of what is
called “hot season.” Let me tell you it
has been hot, and we’re not quite halfway through the hot season yet. It’s also rainy season. The heat builds and builds for a few days and
then we will get several days of thunderstorms and showers and it cools
everything off. It’s like you get a
break in between the heat which is nice.
This is also high malaria season.
The heat and rain brings out the mosquitos. These mosquitos are tiny and it’s often hard
to tell that you’ve even been bitten.
However, they carry malaria. You
can only get malaria from being bitten by a mosquito that carries it. So far Tyson has had it twice, Samuel once,
and me three times. I just got over it
when Tyson came down with it again. He
is currently on treatment medication. We
are all four taking a prophylaxis medication to prevent us from getting it, but
it seems the malaria is beginning to resist the medication. It’s very hard to describe what malaria feels
like. It can be different for different
people. The medications used to treat it
are so strong that once you’re on them it’s hard to tell what’s malaria and
what’s the medicine. For me, I feel
extremely week and faint with chills, fever, and nausea. The medicine Tyson is on makes him dizzy and
have ringing in his ears. He also has
chills and some nausea. So that’s
malaria! So many millions of people have
lived facing this their whole lives.
Many who do not have access to sprays, bednets, and treatment medication
like we do. Thankfully we do have
medicine and it works. We treat
ourselves quickly to reduce the severity.
With all that being said, we in no way want malaria or
sickness to be the theme of our time here.
God’s goodness in our lives, his sovereignty, and our purpose here is SO
much greater. It just happens to be what
God has used for our good during this little season. That’s really what I want to share – a little
piece of my heart.
So, this has been rough for mama! Like really rough. The heat, the kids with diarrhea, the culture
shock, the kids with culture shock, the malaria, the distance between me and my
extended family, and all the photos of pumpkin spice lattes on facebook to name
a few. I’ve had some dark days. My darkest days so far came last week when I
had malaria for the third time. Not only
was I so sick and weak but the medicine I took to treat it caused intense
feelings of depression and anxiety.
Intense! I’ve never felt like that before in my life. At one point, I cried and begged Tyson to
pack us up and take us home. He reminded
me we didn’t have a home in the states.
LOL! I didn’t care, I just wanted
out of here and out of my circumstances.
I did not see how I could take another breath it was so painful. Being so sick and so weak made me really
homesick for family and comfort I think.
I could not see the forest for the trees to put it mildly, BUT today I
rejoice.
I have more joy in my heart right now than I’ve had in a
very long time. I see now that God is
doing something beautiful and grand and wonderful in our lives. Suffering is the path to beautiful and
wonderful and grand. I see that. I feel
that. In the past two months, our
circumstances have removed all the things that have propped up our character
and our substance to make it look way larger than in fact it really is. I’ve seen that with those props no longer
around, my faith and my character has been revealed to be quite small and very
unimpressive for sure. Times like these
will bring out the ugly if you know what I mean or should I say the real raw
truth. Even in the torment and weakness
I could hear that still small voice saying, “this is good, I’m doing something
beautiful.” Tyson and I on several
occasions agreed that we somehow felt that way.
Here are a few observations I’ve made and things I’ve
discovered lately.
Suffering, if endured results in unspeakable joy! I’ve been researching as many scriptures as I
can about suffering and almost all of them speak of joy or rejoicing. I had an encounter like that the other
night. As I was up during the night feeling
sick and shaky I cried out to God in desperation. I was so desperate, I said “God, you don’t
even have to heal me, just let me know you’re here with me.” I see now, that in my weakness more than
wanting Him to do something for me, I just longed for Him. Apparently, I was on the right track because,
no sooner did I pray that than a flood of joy washed over me that I can hardly
describe. It was an overwhelming all
consuming joy out of nowhere and such a undeniable sense of God’s presence and
peace.
James 1:2
Consider it all JOY my bretheren when you encounter
various trials. Knowing that the testing
of your faith produces endurance. And
let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete
lacking nothing.
Besides joy, suffering seems to go hand in hand with
endurance. I found it interesting that
James said to let endurance have its perfect result. I’m glad we’re choosing endurance. Last week, I wanted to jump ship. I guess that’s where my opportunity came to
let endurance have its perfect result.
Another scripture God has continually brought to my
attention is Psalm 126: 5-6
“Those who sow in
tears shall reap with joyful
shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping
carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing
his sheaves with him.”
This is perspective.
I want to endure for the joyful shouting. I don’t want to give up with my seeds to
sow. I want to shout for joy carrying a
harvest with me. I’m so thankful for God
and my husband holding me through the tears, believing in me and in us when I
wanted to run away. I’m feeling so alive
to see that there’s joy on the other side of suffering and it can even come
right in the midst of the pain. It can
be all mixed together!
Another revelation I’ve had is that desperation leaves no
room for doubt. My cries to God have
been desperate lately. It dawned on me
that when we see Jesus perform miracles and healings in the Bible it usually
involved a desperate cry or a desperate person.
I could imagine the desperation in the woman who reached out to touch
the hem of his robe in Luke 8.
Immediately she was healed. I
wonder if it was because God responds to desperation or if there was no doubt
in her because of her desperation? When
I’m not so desperate, I have plenty of room to entertain doubt.
I know there is more, much more God is doing here. I’m just so encouraged to be in his joy and
to feel Him so near and to see purpose in all of this. I choose to endure. It’s worth it!
