It's been a while - a long while since I've written here. I decided to dust this space off and crack our front door open a bit to give you a glimpse of what's going on inside. By nature, I've come to accept that I'm an intensely private person. However, in my time alone with my journal, a cup of coffee, and the Holy Spirit, reflecting on 2016 and looking ahead to a new year, I felt the nudge to let you in. I assume it's not for just for me, but hopefully there's a chance one or two of you may find a dose of hope and encouragement.
I'll spare the mic drop of telling you how many times we've moved in the past four years. Let's just jump to the beginning of 2016. For almost three years now we have been primarily responsible for my husband's mom who has quite a few health issues. We've walked the journey into the season of one of our parents no longer being able to live alone and figuring out what the next steps were. We find ourselves in two phases of life at the same time: raising small children and caring for an aging parent. Early this year, we began to pray about what it was supposed to look like from here on out, and had deep conviction that our home (both the physical one and the culture and atmosphere that exists within our family) was to be a place where all can thrive. Not long at all after the conversation my husband and I had coming into agreement that, "yes, this is God's heart for us and this is who we want to be" that Bam! the doors opened and we found ourselves the new owners of a home that had the layout we needed for my mother-in-law to be with us permanently. Our heads were spinning from the speed at which all of this happened. The following two or three months consisted of packing our current home while homeschooling, working, and continuing to care for my mother-in-law from where she was currently living. Her care didn't stop just because we were in transition. We closed on the new home and had to do some substantial remodeling to the space where she would be living along with adding some safety features. We moved. We packed her up, moved her, unpacked us all and then dealt with the emotional adjustments to our new "normal." I thought my kids were exceedingly adaptable given their life experiences, but one surprised us significant difficulty adjusting to the change, and we walked through that with him. It all sounds romantic with phrases like "we want our home to be haven, a refuge for those in need." The truth is, it's hard! It's messy! There were days that we thought, "what did we just do?" A month or so into it, things began to smooth out. Kids were calming down, routines were being formed, boxes unpacked, mother-in-law beginning to feel at home when we were thrown another curve ball. In July she came down with a cold which led to pneumonia which led discovering a mass which led to a diagnosis of stage 3 lung cancer. Within months of the day my husband and I said "yes" to what we felt God saying, this is where we found ourselves - parents to two young children, one husband working full time, one wife homeschooling, and walking with an aging parent who lives with us and going through cancer treatment which consists of numerous doctor's appointments, and daily trips for radiation treatments which lasted seven weeks, the side effects, two falls one that included an ambulance ride and a broken rib, the other a head injury, and two more bouts of pneumonia. We have friends, family, and a close community that knows the inner workings of our life right now (for which we are extremely thankful!), and I don't feel obligated to share our current circumstance, but I want to. I want to because I know with every smiling picture posted on social media, sometimes there's more than meets the eye. We are all caught up in a story bigger than ourselves. We all wrestle. We all doubt and wonder if certain seasons are ever going to change. I've seen lots of posts lately that say something to the effect of "Ready to say goodbye to 2016 and move on to 2017." The thing is, I feel like I read similar posts last year about 2015 and 1016 and the year before that. Can I suggest that if we dig deep enough we can uncover some real gems in the midst of whatever was hard about our previous year? For all that I just shared above there have been countless moments of pure joy and many things to be thankful for like... Countless meals shared around our table. Friends bringing us meals unexpectedly on a hard day numerous times. People watching our kids in a moments notice. Reading good books cuddled on the sofa with my boys. Visits from out of town friends and family. Laughter. Friendship. Date nights. Meeting new neighbors who have quickly become friends and making other new friends. Countless walks and jogs on the trail near our house. Seeing God do miracles in a friend's health. The cancer in my mother in law has shrunk from the radiation. My parents came to visit. Our boys are thriving. Great doctors and nurses. Always having what we need when we need it. Provision of a home and space so quickly. The timing of having everyone moved before we found out about the cancer, and I could go on.
It's amazing that as intense as this year has been, it has not been without joy. That's because we can have exhaustion, anxst (apparently this isn't a word, but I'm using it anyway), frustration, tears, pain, and uncertainty. We can even flop and fail at what we're trying to be about. Some days I feel like the worst person for this job! I'm constantly learning that perfection is not a pre-requisite. Then like a flower squeezing up through the cracks of a sidewalk joy appears. It's deep seated. It's strong. It defies external circumstances. It's not happiness. It's better than that. Happiness is fleeting and it hinges on my circumstances. Joy comes from the Giver of all good gifts. Most often we miss it because it's packaged in things we like to avoid like patience, hardship, suffering, and inconvenience. If we dare to receive the package and stay the course, it's coming, it's there. It's even available in the midst of our trials if we know that what we are going through is not without good purpose. The umbrella of the Father's heart towards us is our covering. It gives us permission for joy. We would not have a reference for this if we had not been through other extremely hard seasons in the recent past. We've learned to view these times as a gift - a gift to our character, a gift to our perseverance, and a gift of trusting deeper in the Father heart of God. Our prayer then and still is that we would not shy away but let endurance, let the trial accomplish all that it is meant to in us. I love how The Message articulates James 1:2-4
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
One thing I continue to learn is that trying to position my life to avoid uncertainty, inconvenience, and any encroachment on my freedoms and comfort is not where my emptiness will be filled or true joy will come from. I'm with everyone else. I love the hope of a brand new year and the possibilities it holds. We've personally got several specific goals for this year. However, don't leave 2016 in the rear view mirror so quickly. There is beauty among the ashes. There's something sacred in the suffering. There could be miracles we've missed if we say so long too soon. Linger long enough to taste the miracle of joy!
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