Why You Shouldn't Ditch 2016 Just Yet

It's been a while - a long while since I've written here.  I decided to dust this space off and crack our front door open a bit to give you a glimpse of what's going on inside.  By nature,  I've come to accept that I'm an intensely private person.  However, in my time alone with my journal, a cup of coffee, and the Holy Spirit, reflecting on 2016 and looking ahead to a new year, I felt the nudge to let you in.   I assume it's not for just for me, but hopefully there's a chance one or two of you may find a dose of hope and encouragement.  

I'll spare the mic drop of telling you how many times we've moved in the past four years.  Let's just jump to the beginning of 2016.  For almost three years now we have been primarily responsible for my husband's mom who has quite a few health issues.  We've walked the journey into the season of one of our parents no longer being able to live alone and figuring out what the next steps were.  We find ourselves in two phases of life at the same time: raising small children and caring for an aging parent.  Early this year, we began to pray about what it was supposed to look like from here on out, and had deep conviction that our home (both the physical one and the culture and atmosphere that exists within our family) was to be a place where all can thrive.   Not long at all after the conversation my husband and I had coming into agreement that, "yes, this is God's heart for us and this is who we want to be" that Bam! the doors opened and we found ourselves the new owners of a home that had the layout we needed for my mother-in-law to be with us permanently.   Our heads were spinning from the speed at which all of this happened.  The following two or three months consisted of packing our current home while homeschooling, working,  and continuing to care for my mother-in-law from where she was currently living.  Her care didn't stop just because we were in transition.  We closed on the new home and had to do some substantial remodeling to the space where she would be living along with adding some safety features.  We moved.  We packed her up, moved her, unpacked us all and then dealt with the emotional adjustments to our new "normal."  I thought my kids were exceedingly adaptable given their life experiences, but one surprised us significant difficulty adjusting to the change, and we walked through that with him.  It all sounds romantic with phrases like "we want our home to be haven, a refuge for those in need."  The truth is, it's hard!  It's messy!  There were days that we thought, "what did we just do?"  A month or so into it, things began to smooth out. Kids were calming down, routines were being formed, boxes unpacked, mother-in-law beginning to feel at home when we were thrown another curve ball.  In July she came down with a cold which led to pneumonia which led discovering a mass which led to a diagnosis of stage 3 lung cancer.  Within months of the day my husband and I said "yes" to what we felt God saying, this is where we found ourselves - parents to two young children, one husband working full time, one wife homeschooling, and walking with an aging parent who lives with us and going through cancer treatment which consists of numerous doctor's appointments, and daily trips for radiation treatments which lasted seven weeks, the side effects, two falls one that included an ambulance ride and a broken rib, the other a head injury, and two more bouts of pneumonia.  We have friends, family, and a close community that knows the inner workings of our life right now (for which we are extremely thankful!), and I don't feel obligated to share our current circumstance, but I want to.  I want to because I know with every smiling picture posted on social media, sometimes there's more than meets the eye.  We are all caught up in a story bigger than ourselves.  We all wrestle.  We all doubt and wonder if certain seasons are ever going to change. I've seen lots of posts lately that say something to the effect of "Ready to say goodbye to 2016 and move on to 2017."  The thing is, I feel like I read similar posts last year about 2015 and 1016 and the year before that.  Can I suggest that if we dig deep enough we can uncover some real gems in the midst of whatever was hard about our previous year?  For all that I just shared above there have been countless moments of pure joy and many things to be thankful  for  like... Countless meals shared around our table.  Friends bringing us meals unexpectedly on a hard day numerous times.   People watching our kids in a moments notice.  Reading good books cuddled on the sofa with my boys.  Visits from out of town friends and family.  Laughter. Friendship.  Date nights. Meeting new neighbors who have quickly become friends and making other new friends. Countless walks and jogs on the trail near our house. Seeing God do miracles in a friend's health.  The cancer in my mother in law has shrunk from the radiation. My parents came to visit. Our boys are thriving.  Great doctors and nurses. Always having what we need when we need it. Provision of a home and space so quickly. The timing of having everyone moved before we found out about the cancer, and I could go on. 

It's amazing that as intense as this year has been, it has not been without joy.  That's because we can have exhaustion, anxst (apparently this isn't a word, but I'm using it anyway), frustration, tears, pain, and uncertainty.  We can even flop and fail at what we're trying to be about.  Some days I feel like the worst person for this job!  I'm constantly learning that perfection is not a pre-requisite.  Then like a flower squeezing up through the cracks of a sidewalk joy appears.  It's deep seated.  It's strong.  It defies external circumstances.  It's not happiness.  It's better than that.  Happiness is fleeting and it hinges on my circumstances.  Joy comes from the Giver of all good gifts.  Most often we miss it because it's packaged in things we like to avoid like patience, hardship, suffering, and inconvenience.  If we dare to receive the package and stay the course, it's coming, it's there.  It's even available in the midst of our trials if we know that what we are going through is not without good purpose.  The umbrella of the Father's heart towards us is our covering.  It gives us permission for joy.  We would not have a reference for this if we had not been through other extremely hard seasons in the recent past.  We've learned to view these times as a gift - a gift to our character, a gift to our perseverance, and a gift of trusting deeper in the Father heart of God.  Our prayer then and still is that we would not shy away but let endurance, let the trial accomplish all that it is meant to in us.  I love how The Message articulates James 1:2-4 

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.  You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.  Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.  

One thing I continue to learn is that trying  to position my life to avoid uncertainty, inconvenience, and any encroachment on my freedoms and comfort is not where my emptiness will be filled or true joy will come from.  I'm with everyone else.  I love the hope of a brand new year and the possibilities it holds.  We've personally got several specific goals for this year.   However, don't leave 2016 in the rear view mirror so quickly. There is beauty among the ashes.   There's something sacred in the suffering.  There could be miracles we've missed if we say so long too soon.   Linger long enough to taste the miracle of joy!  

Being Certain in the Uncertain

One morning about nineteen months ago,  we told our two little ones that we were going on a little "vacation" to Zimbabwe from what we were beginning to call home in Mozambique.  We had no intentions of burdening their little hearts with the fact that mommy was getting over yet another bout of malaria, fifteen pounds lighter, and both of us overcome and overwhelmed by the prior eight weeks of sickness, culture shock, and general anxiety.  

There we were, loading our van with last minute necessities, wrangling the boys as they were running around chasing the dogs and digging in the dirt.
Little did we know, we would not return at all.  That is the last place we as a family would be in a home of our own for over a year and a half.  Zimbabwe turned into six weeks of my husband being extremely ill with something that could not be diagnosed, and a gut wrenching decision to leave straight from Zimbabwe to head back to the US.   We have been back for fourteen months, and in about a week we will finally be moving into our own home again.  We sold our house and most of our posessions before we moved to Africa assuming we would be there for years.  To say we are eager and excited to be having a place to call our own again and putting down some roots would be an understatement.  BUT....to believe having our own plot of real estate or a specific place to call "home" is the pinnacle of satisfaction or security in this life would be way off the mark too.  Tyson and I had a rare moment to sit and reflect on this past season and the one ahead.  We've learned SO much, SO much!  When life feels the most uncertain, we can be the most certain that God is up to something beyond our own capabilities.  We agreed that security is just an illusion.  We've had so many "insecure" moments or what felt insecure to us, and our circumstances have certainly looked less than stable.  This time has been an eternal gift to both of us.  The gift of growing deeper in fellowship with Him in His sufferings, growing deeper in unfettered love with one another, growing in our parenting, growing in our own character, and in relationships with others.  We're not sure there would've been any other way to attain those things than the path we've found ourselves on.

Through it, God has allowed us to experience true security by allowing us to be stripped of what our culture would define as secure. He has held us closely and tightly.  Eternally speaking, he allowed our foundation to crumble only to rebuild it into something much stronger.  That's the gift that I wouldn't trade for anything.   This post is mainly a reminder to myself as I am so excited to be setting up my own little nest again.  May I not forget where my security lies.  May I not for one minute step out of the knowledge that I am clay and He is the potter.  He's my keeper and nothing else.   I know my tendency will be to grab on tightly and not let go.  I don't want to define this of leaving uncertainty and "arriving" to a place of certainty.    The good news is that our circumstances don't have to dictate our certainty.  However, we are super excited and have high hopes for how God wants to use our family, and our home to reflect His goodness and touch others with His love for them.  That's our prayer for sure.   Once again, our address has changed and so have our hearts!  We can't wait to find out how the two will mix!

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Reflections from A Sleepless Night - Tyson's Debut Appearance on MTMB's

Hey there!  I'm not really excited that my husband has had a case of the chicken pox lately, but I am really excited that he has written a post for our blog.  He has such an awesome heart, and he's a contemplator for sure.  He's all in with Jesus,  willing to wrestle through the hard stuff, and willing to walk with others also wrestling through the hard stuff.   Be encouraged!

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I have the Chicken Pox right now, so my sleep ended at 2 am last night for the itching.  Let me tell you it's no fun as an adult.  I'm sure it's not fun to have as a kid either :-). Symptoms have included fever, chills, headache, stiff neck, bumps with pointy blisters on top and itching as bad as if you laid in a bed of chiggers.  So at 2 am, I got up, put on salve, made a pot of coffee and looked for something good on Netflix. I watched the story about Rich Mullens, the singer/songwriter who wrote "Our God is an Awesome God". I was unaware before last night that his life was full of brokenness, loneliness, and sadness. Yet if you think about the lyrics of most of his songs, it makes sense.  They were birthed out of adversity, out of longing for his true home.   I believe Rich's authenticity helped many come out of hiding and find freedom in the love of Jesus.  In reflecting about my bout with pox, Rich Mullen's life, and our life this past year, the more I realize that what we learn is rooted much deeper, and less likely to be forgotten if it comes by experience rather than just reading about it.  His word helps us shape that experience with good perspective. 

These last few months have been especially difficult for our family, but some of the lasting fruit that has come through the adversity is that Gina and I have developed a list of  "resolves" for our marriage, and for our family that we add to and review periodically.  One of our resolves is that self-pity is not permitted - not in our kids and not in us. Self-pity is the opposite of thankfulness and leads down a destructive path.  We endeavor to model thankfulness daily, and invite Samuel and Luke in to pray with us, giving thanks to God for His goodness in our lives while bringing very real needs before him.  Of course we fail when we lose perspective, but our failures serve to help us remember that our dependence and trust lie in Him, and our resolves remind us of who He's called us to be and who we want to be.  He takes our failures, and our brokenness and He gives us Himself. He gives beauty for ashes and uses our specific brokenness to His advantage and to the benefit and encouragement of others around us.  He is God!